Few things in life can
ruin a girl’s day faster than an hour and a half of shopping for a bathing suit.
So why I thought I’d still continue on with my Friday good mood after
subjecting myself to this business is beyond my rational thought.
Now, here’s the thing. I’m
not over weight. However, I’m also not built like a 12 year old boy. I am average.
I have curves. I have wobbly bits. I do not wish to devote endless hours at the
gym nor do I starve myself. But for some reason, every year, I expect a miracle
in the dressing room. I wave my wand and hope that when I open my eyes, Kate
Upton’s thighs will have magically attached themselves to my body. This spell has yet to work.
So today, here were my
choices: Strings…or muumuus. Neither of these are acceptable. I’m a 38 year old
mother of two. I don’t feel comfortable in the same bathing suit I wore when I was
20. That being said, I’m not exactly ready to shop at Acme Tent & Awning
for beach attire, either.
What’s a girl to do?
Well, this one just jumped
right in. What the heck, right? You've got to start somewhere! I grabbed a few
bottoms, a few tops and headed for the dressing room. (Yes, two pieces. I like
to have a tan tummy.)
Let me just start by
saying that trying on bathing suits with your underpants on is h-o-t. I
understand it’s necessary because you just don’t know where people have been
but I didn't plan ahead and wore a pair that, once stuffed inside a bathing suit,
reminded me of a big bag of popcorn. It wasn't my best look. But I powered
through and tried to envision what I would look like basking in the Florida sun
sans bunchy underpants. I turned this way. And that way. And then made the poor
decision of bending over to pretend I was getting something out of my beach bag. OH MY WORD!!! *Note
to self: Don’t ever do that again!
I guess I’ll just hold everything way up
high.
Enough of this nonsense.
Let’s try on tops instead.
Now, I would like to know
who has decided that my breasts should be way up by my neck. I don’t want them
there. It’s uncomfortable. And it’s unnatural. I mean, my husband knows that’s
not where they go so am I really expected to walk out onto the beach wearing "the girls" 6 inches higher than where they normally are and try to keep a straight face? Please! No one’s going to buy that….especially,
not after I bend over to get something out of my beach bag. We can all agree
that my body is a firm believer in gravity. And I'm okay with that.
Something else that got my
attention like an air horn is the fact that in mid-February my skin is whiter
than my front yard. Except for the red dry patches! It would seem my melanin
went to Florida without me. A girlfriend once said, “Tan fat looks so much
better than white fat.” She speaks the truth. I also have the added benefit of
my hair bleaching out in the sun to the point of being able to signal planes. The
combination of bright white hair and brown skin makes me resemble a photo negative.
The strangeness of this effect should most certainly take away from any jiggly
body parts that may try to destroy any self-confidence that I have left after today's shopping experience.
In the end, I did decide
on an acceptable bathing suit bottom. I do, however, have to go out and repeat
the process to find a suitable top half. Hopefully, I can find something that
neither makes me look like I've had surgery nor makes it obvious that I've
nursed two children.
We’ll see. Wish me luck…
